How we help
Since Dad died, Mom is alone in the house
Your father handled the checkbook, the driving and the furnace. Now your mother is alone with all of it, the evenings are silent, and the sympathy cards have stopped coming. She is not sick. She is grieving, and the house is a lot for one person.
A regular visitor on the hardest days, often evenings and weekends, so the house is not silent.
Real meals cooked and shared at the table, instead of cereal at the counter.
Help sorting the mail and keeping a list of calls and paperwork for the family to handle.
Company on errands, at church, at the senior center, or at a grief support group when she is ready.
Light housekeeping and laundry, and a hand going through closets when she decides it is time.
What changes when a parent is suddenly living alone?
Most couples split a household without ever writing it down. One cooked, one drove; one paid the bills, one remembered birthdays. When a spouse dies, the survivor inherits every job at once, in the middle of grief. The National Institute on Aging (NIA) notes that people who are grieving often have trouble sleeping, little interest in food, problems concentrating and a hard time making decisions. That is a difficult combination for someone who now has to cook for one, keep up a house and answer letters from banks and insurers.
Sometimes the parent who died was also the caregiver, and the survivor has needs the family had not seen. Sometimes the survivor spent years caring for a sick spouse and is now exhausted and unsure what to do with the days. Either way, the first months can slip quietly: missed meals, the same clothes, unopened mail, no reason to get dressed.
How does a caregiver help day to day?
This is companion care at heart, a common first step into senior care, with personal care added if it is needed.
- Routine. The same caregiver on the same days gives the week a shape: a reason to get up, a visitor to expect, plans for Thursday.
- Meals. NIA observes that some people lose interest in cooking after a loss and that eating alone can feel too quiet. A caregiver plans, shops, cooks and often sits down to eat with her. See Meal Preparation.
- Loneliness. Conversation, card games, a drive-through coffee, a walk around the block, looking at photo albums when she wants to talk about him and leaving them closed when she does not.
- Paperwork overwhelm. Caregivers do not handle money, sign anything or make financial decisions. They can sort the mail into piles, keep a list of who called and what they need, and remind her of the appointment with the attorney or accountant the family arranged.
- The house and his belongings. Laundry, light housekeeping, and when she is ready, help going through closets. NIA suggests sorting belongings into three piles: keep, give away, and not sure.
- Getting out. Company on errands, at church, at the senior center, or at a support group meeting.
Our caregivers are good listeners. They are not grief counselors or therapists, and we will not pretend otherwise.
Where can she find grief support and local help?
NIA lists places to look for grief support groups: local hospitals, senior centers, faith communities, funeral homes and your doctor. Hospice organizations often offer bereavement support to families, and NIA notes you can ask even if hospice was not involved before the death. Encourage your parent to keep up with doctor visits and to tell the doctor if everyday tasks have become hard.
Every county has an Area Agency on Aging that can explain senior centers, home-delivered meals and the OPTIONS program for residents 60 and older. In Lancaster County it is the Lancaster County Office of Aging at (717) 299-7979; in York County, the York County Area Agency on Aging at (717) 771-9610; in Cumberland County, Cumberland County Aging & Community Services at (717) 240-6110; in Lehigh County, Lehigh County Aging & Adult Services at (610) 782-3200. Each county page on our site lists its agency. Our guide to Pennsylvania's Area Agencies on Aging explains what they do.
If grief turns into thoughts of not wanting to live, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at any hour.
What does a typical starting plan look like?
- Two or three afternoons a week, three or four hours each: lunch, an errand or outing, dinner prepared and left ready.
- Evenings or Sunday afternoons, if those are the loneliest hours.
- More time later, if bathing, dressing or memory become concerns. See personal care.
Where this happens in our 16 counties
We meet widowed parents in a Camp Hill ranch house, a Bethlehem twin, a farmhouse outside Gettysburg where the nearest neighbor is a field away, and a Pottsville row home where the stairs used to be his job. Many of their children live in Philadelphia, Baltimore or farther; our page for long-distance families explains how we keep you informed. In Fulton, Huntingdon and Juniata counties, recurring visits of three hours or more are easier to staff than short drop-ins. When you are ready to talk, contact a care coordinator.
Other situations we help with
Companionship and everyday help
Since your mother lost your father, the days are long and quiet. Meals have become toast. The mail piles up. She does not need medical care. She needs a person.
Long-distance family
You call every day. You visit when you can. But the weekly drive is not enough anymore, and every unanswered phone call sends your stomach through the floor. You need someone local you can trust.
They refuse help
"I don't need a babysitter." You have heard it a dozen times. Meanwhile the fridge is empty, the pill bottles are a mess, and you are lying awake. There is a way through this, and it usually starts smaller than you think.
Noticed changes on a visit
The house was not as clean as it used to be. Dad repeated a story. Mom's clothes hung loose. You noticed, and now you are back at your own house wondering what to do about it.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal for my mother to stop eating after my father died?
Can a caregiver help my widowed father with bills and paperwork?
How do we find a grief support group for a parent in Pennsylvania?
How is companionship for a widowed parent paid for?
My mother says she does not need anyone. How do we start?
Sources
- Coping With Grief and Loss — National Institute on Aging (NIH)
- Apply for the OPTIONS Program — Pennsylvania Department of Aging
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
This article is general information for Pennsylvania families and is not medical, legal, financial, or insurance advice. It's Your Home Care is a non-medical home care agency licensed by the Pennsylvania Department of Health; we do not provide skilled nursing or medical services. Program rules and eligibility change; confirm details with the agency or program named, your physician, or a qualified advisor before making decisions.
Talk to a care coordinator today
Tell us what is happening at home. We will explain your options, including what private pay, long-term care insurance, VA benefits, and Pennsylvania waiver programs may cover, and schedule an in-home care consultation when you are ready.